Thursday, August 21, 2014

The Black Dog

He followed me home again today
He's waiting at the gate
He knows I'll have to leave some time
He knows he holds my fate

I watch him, sitting, staring in
I hope he'll go away
I know he'll sit there waiting though
I've seen the ending to this play

We play these roles every day
We've both learned our part
We've got our lines, no need to learn
We know them off by heart

I tell him I don't need him here
He says he cannot leave
I tell him that I want him gone
He says I need him to breathe

So there he sits, faithful hound
Fangs nipping at my mind
Maybe one day my mood will change
And I'll leave him behind.

Until that time, he'll be right here
Claws stuck in my back
His shadow cast over my soul
That dog of darkest black

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Check One-Two

A little something what I wrote, inspired by the #FeelingNuts campaign

See for more details on how you can ensure good testicular health. Please ensure you have the testicle owner's permission before conducting any checks.

If you care about your goolies
There's no need to feel foolish
Don't sit around and worry 'bout your plight
Don't get yourself in a pickle
Check the shape of your testicle
And see your GP if it isn't right

Be sure to tell your chums
To have a quick check of their plums
Nobody's going to think you look a chump
Don't be all shy and girly
Make sure you catch it early
That's the best way to deal with any lump

So check them while you tweet
Or while you wait to eat
There's no time like the present, trust your guts
You can never be too keen
Make it part of your routine
There's so much to be gained from feeling nuts.

Monday, August 11, 2014

The Twitter Crush

They might be beautiful, or smart
Or you could find them witty
They are on another continent
Or even in your city

Your heart goes all a-flutter
When you look at their avi
Whether on the bus, sat at home
Or tweeting on the lavvy

Feel your breathing get more shallow
With every @, DM or mention
You try to think what you can say
Just to get their attention

But it's hard to find the right words
Within the space you've got
And what if you declare your love
Only to find they love you not?

You might come over needy
They might think of you as silly
So instead you revert back to type
And make a joke about a willy

If you take a minute to read this
Just ponder, for a few
What if the Twitter Crush you have
Has a Twitter Crush on you?


Wednesday, July 02, 2014

Facebook To The Future

Voiceover: The year is 2020. Mark Zuckerberg’s drones have brought the internet to the developing world, with mixed results. Meanwhile, in a cave outside Kandahar…

Scene: Three men are sat in a semi-circle, in traditional Arab dress.

Man 1: Alright, quiet down. Gentlemen…

Man 2: And ladies… (all laugh)

Man 1: Every time you do that, every time it cracks me up. Gentlemen, time to call this quarterly meeting of the Al Qaeda management committee to order. Point 1 on the agenda…

(Sound of electronic music from a video game in the background, everyone looks at one man on his smartphone)

Man 1: Ahmed!! What have we said about turning off phones during meetings?

Man 3: Sorry. I’m just addicted to this Capitalism Crush Martyrs.

Man 1: Put it away. Right, point 1 on the agenda. The failure of our attack on the Olympics. Saeed, what do you have to say for yourself?

Man 2: I don’t understand it. Everything was planned down the finest detail. We even put it on Facebook so everyone knew what was happening. Got a like from the NSA too.

Man 1: Any learning points to take away?

Man 2: Just the one really. Don’t forget about clocks going forward when setting timers. Tick, tock, boom. Poor Omid.

Man 1: Right, point 2. The attack on our last base. Any clues on how they knew where we were?

Man 3: Hang on, just let me update my Foursquare. Yes! I’m mayor of this cave now, suckers.

Man 1: That does it. (Reaches behind him and grabs a rifle)

Man 2: What are you doing?

Man 1: I’m going to sit outside this cave until I see one of those bloody drones, and I’m taking Facebook down. For good.

Man 3: Hang on, before you go. (Man 2 and Man 3 sprawl in front of Man 1, pulling faces and taking a selfie)

Man 2: SMILE!!!!!

My Most British Things

To the tune of “My Favourite Things” from The Sound of Music

Consulting detectives who say “elementary”
Knowing your place and deferring to gentry
Laughing at jokes that make you want to cringe
These are a few of the most British things

Tea at the Ritz and a Gregg’s Cornish pasty
LibDems being weak and Tories being nasty
Teaching pointless dates of old Queens and Kings
These are a few of the most British things

Shakespeare’s Globe and Geilgud at the Old Vic
Right wing newspapers being xenophobic
Paying your gas bill by pawning your bling
These are a few of the most British things

When Cameron talks, about values
Really makes me sad
Then I remember he’ll be gone next year

And things just don’t seem so bad....